I was probably reading something or playing with my cars when I had my first taste of pain. I'm not referring to physical or sensory pain. I'm talking about heartache - the heart-wrenching feeling that something is no longer the same, the idea of a mishap, or the realization that someone you loved has just died.
And over the years I've realised that pain is more often a result of words, and sometimes a result of something we see (i.e. actions). I remember the time someone very close to me said something to me that totally changed me - it changed my understanding of that person with the pain that it brought me because what that person said absolutely tore me - it was like taking a pair of scissors and cutting paper. I was the paper. And that pain has actually never gone away. Come to think of it, it has grown over time. Pain has an uncanny way of lingering even when one might dare to think that a perfect contrition has been achieved and that peace has been made with the cause of your pain. Most of the time, real peace, reconciliation and closure do not come from any form of compensation, bribe, or an act of loyalty. As simple and common the words hatred & forgiveness may sound, they are something, I believe, humans have not yet learnt to really manage, let alone avoid!
Pain is a strong emotion that can trigger so many alternatives to one's life. The pain that I felt so many years ago converted all my thoughts and feelings for a person into a lump of hatred; a lump that cannot be easily softened. With time, with more words, with more sightings of the subtle signs one begins to look for ever since you first experienced this pain, the lump has turned into shrapnel wedged between my heart and my lungs so it hurts. Unfortunately, here is when experience takes life for a toss, because what you’ve experienced in the past biases you expectation from a particular individual. So you’re constantly on the lookout for when that person will actually destroy you again. So pain once felt is a life-changing thing.
Imagine you just had your first child. A healthy baby with clear dark eyes staring back at you with curiosity and looking for love. You are probably overcome with a surge of emotions - love, affection, protection, tenderness, and what not. All this at the sight of a baby. What if the doctor who assisted in the delivery of your child comes up to you and says that you must have hope, but all is not lost even for a baby diagnosed with heart defects. And in the flash of a second, all the emotions you had are pushed over by the overwhelming lump of pain that seems to be pushing its way through your gut.
Why are we so susceptible to pain? And why does pain cause us to lose ourselves for a moment? (almost feel dizzy) Sometimes one realises that life could be so different if pain was not so tangible as it is in reality! One would think that weed, liquor, sleeping pills or sex is the answer to a life free of pain. I don’t know if it is. But I’m sure all these won’t last the test of time that pain so faithfully accomplishes. It will be there on the day of your marriage, a slight hint of it would drop on you when you accidentally remember how everything can go wrong on this perfect day and how it had gone wrong in the past at another imprtant occassion; how you had felt pain many years ago. Even on your 80th birthday, you can expect pain to come by visiting, just to remind you of how fragile and vulnerable you are no matter old you get. There really is no turning away from it, once you’ve tasted the first blood of pain.
To end with a message of hope is something I love to do with all my blog posts. But I can’t seem to find a way to do it this time. I would have to lie in your face to be able to write something like “But the good parts in life are always appreciated in the context of the bad parts!” or “What is joy without pain?”, but I won’t do that. If you think there is a way we can actually leave pain behind and be done with it (particularly pain associated with a specific memory in past), then please do leave me your comments.
3 comments:
The person who laughs and makes others around him laugh all the time, must have a thunderstorm (of sadness) raging in his heart.
As for what you said about words, its very true I believe all my pain and sadness has resulted from words spoken by those whom I value a lot.
Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously...noone's out to attack anyone personally - hurtful behavior is the result of issues people have and are unable to deal with..
To be "centered" and not have quirks, is to be emotionally healthy. Most people are not though..The world is a complicated place..people with complexes and it's complexes that cause illusions of grandeur and all wars...to be loved and nurtured is to know peace and that's what I wish for the world..
Well Jigyasa, your perspective is interesting, but also gives the uncanny semblance of specific observations with respect to certain experiences you might have had. I could be wrong, though.
But sometimes, some people are INDEED out to hurt others. Their motivations and history would be a different discussion on prognosis of our very human behaviour (cause and effect), of which I have no clue! :)
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